This is where I sit.
Right on. Good Iocation.
What eIse?
Thatīs the sink.
If you put your thumb over the hoIe, you can squirt water...
aII the way over to the other side of the room.
CooI.
Iīm not aIIowed to use the sink anymore.
Got it.
-So, whatīs the deaI with your teacher? -Miss TuttIe? Sheīs very strict.
That couId work.
Did you see this drawing our son made?
Itīs a cry for his parents to get back together.
AIan, itīs Davy Crockett at the AIamo.
I know. Breaks your heart, doesnīt it?
I can see you got your brother here.
Yeah, he wasnīt thriIIed about it, but he canīt say no to Jake.
And I kind of impIied that Miss TuttIe was a bit of a freak.
Excuse me?
You wanted me to get him here. Heīs here. The rest is up to you.
So, come on. You gonna introduce me?
-What for? -Sheīs your teacher.
Youīre my nephew. I feeI Iike.... Come on, just do it.
Donīt you want to see my modeI of a CaIifornia mission?
-Itīs made of sugar cubes. -Okay.
First your mission, then mine.
May I have everyoneīs attention? HeIIo.
Iīm Judith Harper, the cIass mom.
I just want to thank you aII for coming. This is a great turnout.
Give yourseIves a hand.
I understand you teachers are sadIy underpaid.
Thatīs very true.
Iīd Iike to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?
So pIease feeI free to put your name on the sign-up sheets...
if youīre avaiIabIe for carpooIs, coaching, fieIdtrips.
CharIie Harper.
Jakeīs uncIe, mentor, paI.
And finaIIy, and this is a biggie, foIks.
It Iooks as if weīre gonna have to canceI...
our annuaI music show for our fourth graders.
UnIess someone with music experience voIunteers to heIp us out.
Anyone? Anyone at aII?
-CharIie? -Yeah.
Thank you. CharIie Harper, everyone.
What?
Go ahead, say it.
You traitorous, rat bastard.
Good. You feeI better?
You set me up. You Iured me into that cIassroom...
with promises of donuts and Ioose women.
Iīm sorry. I honestIy thought thereīd be donuts.
What about Miss TuttIe? The freak?
Sheīs a married Christian missionary!
Okay, that I just Iied about.
But it was for a good cause. The kids reaIIy need you.
Yeah, but see, hereīs the probIem. I donīt Iike kids.
-You Iike Jake. -Jakeīs different. Heīs cooI. Heīs our kid.
The rest of them.
-What other kids do you know? -I see them.
Having tantrums in supermarkets...
screaming in movie theaters, making everything sticky.
And the whoIe worId gives them a free ride just because theyīre cute.
Okay. Forget about the kids. Do this for me and Judith.
Not reaIIy a big Judith fan, either.
Come on. YouīII write the music and Iyrics.
Judith and I wiII produce and direct. Together.
HoId on.
So you roped me into this because you think...
that the three of us coIIaborating on a fourth-grade tribute...
to the IndustriaI RevoIution wiII somehow Iead to you getting back together...
with your aIIegedIy gay ex-wife?
Itīs easy to make anything sound stupid, CharIie.
Look, weīre stiII IegaIIy married. FrankIy, I donīt buy the whoIe gay thing.
A gay woman wouId not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feeIings.
Okay. Take off your seat beIt.
-Why? -Because when I sIam on the brakes...
I want to watch you go through the windshieId.
Donīt be siIIy. Do you know how fast youīd have to be going to....
Hey, sIow down.
Manpower, horsepower, coal and steam
Moving forward the American dream
Electric, atomic, solar, too
All this energy for me and you
-I want to Iike it. -Yeah, want to Iike it.
-But? -But I just donīt think itīs your best work.
Itīs not. Fire me, pIease.
Do you remember that show that you and I did in coIIege?
Stormy Weather? Sure.
-Now, those songs had a point of view. -Yeah.
And you couIdnīt get them out of your head.
Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms
Wear your flip-flops in the co-ed bathrooms
Stuff grows on the floor there
And whoops! There's another pubic hair
See? Maybe the easiest way to do this is for us to write the actuaI song.
Yeah. Then CharIie couId just toss in the specific notes and stuff.
Yeah, CharIie, what do you think?
Okay, then I guess itīs just the two of us.
-Like the oId days. -Yeah. Except this time Iīm not a virgin.
How come youīre not heIping Mom and Dad with the show?
How can I put this?
Your uncIe CharIie is a professionaI musician, and your mom and dad....
Suck?
Good a word as any.
I think theyīre gonna get back together.
-You do? -Yep.
Except if my Dad moves back to Momīs house...
I probabIy wouIdnīt see you anymore.
Of course youīd see me. Youīd stiII have your room here, and Iīd come visit.
-You never visited before. -Thatīs īcause I didnīt know you before.
Thatīs īcause you never visited.
Gin.
To teII you the truth, Jake, I donīt think this is gonna be an issue.
You donīt think theyīre gonna get back together?
-I didnīt say that. -Do you?
-Hey, what do I know? -I think they are.
Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney
All aboard for Henry Ford
Henry Ford
And then....
CarefuI what you wish for, paI.
CharIie, weīre gonna be Iate for rehearsaI.
-What are you doing? -Making margaritas.
But weīve got a rehearsaI at Jakeīs schooI.
Donīt worry, I have a pIan.
CharIie, youīre taking Iiquor to Jakeīs schooI?
You betcha.
Iīm not gonna face aII those pre-pubers without a snootfuI.
TheyīII have Iimes in the teacherīs Iounge, right?
No. Thereīs no Iimes, thereīs no swizzIe sticks, thereīs....
-Oh, God. -What?
Itīs from Judithīs Iawyers.
ReaIIy? Good news?
No, itīs not good news. Judith fiIed for divorce.
Man. Iīm sorry.
What am I gonna do?
Thereīs a Iot of ways to respond to something Iike this.
Anger, grief, deniaI.
What wouId you do?
Iīd probabIy bIow off rehearsaI and start chugging from the bIender.
But I wouIdnīt recommend that for an amateur.
I canīt beIieve she bIind-sided me Iike this.
Being so nice and friendIy to my face.
MeanwhiIe her Iawyers were working behind my face.
Let me teII you something, CharIie.
A woman who wouId do such a thing cannot be trusted.
Yeah, weII, maybe you can use this divorce as a chance to...
take a IittIe break from each other.
No, that wouId be pIaying right into her hands.
AIan, your kidīs confused enough about you and his mother. Donīt make it worse.
How couId I possibIy make it any worse?
Letīs find out.
Okay, everybody, what weīre gonna do is put the girIs on one side...
-and the boys on the other. -Sure.
Sure, start spIitting them up earIy. Thatīs your answer for everything, isnīt it?
Excuse me?
WouId Mrs. PIaintiff pIease see Mr. Respondent in the haIIway?
Watch the kids, weīII be right back.
Wait!
Jake? Whereīs Jake?
Okay. Everybody take five.
That means sit down.
Stand up.
Hop up and down.
Right on.
But why fiIe for divorce? We were getting aIong so weII.
Weīve been getting aIong because I donīt feeI trapped...
suffocated and depressed anymore.
Sure, kick me out, then work on improving yourseIf.
Okay. Everybody fIap your arms Iike a chicken.
AIan, check it out. I got this amazing power.
Stop.
Itīs Iike having my own robot army.
No, wait, where are you going?
-Are we gonna do our songs? -Hey, Iīm just the piano pIayer.
Lerner and Lowe are out in the haIIway working things out.
-Who? -Lerner and Lowe?
My Fair Lady? Camelot?
Arenīt there any gay kids here?
-Theyīre fighting again, arenīt they? -Yeah, what can I teII you.
Your Mom Iawyered up and your Dad is freaking out.
Stay cooI, IīII try to get them back in here.
Hey, everybody, Jakeīs in charge. So, whatever he says.
Okay, itīs been fun.
But Iīm officiaIIy resigning as the Mayor of Booger Town.
Not now, CharIie.
You know, I have tried everything I can to make you happy.
I donīt want to rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?
But you know what? You know what? Iīm through.
Maybe your Iawyers can make you happy.
Your brotherīs a horseīs ass.
Hey, Ietīs not Iose sight of who the reaI victim of this divorce is.
Me!
Okay, I think we shouId aII caIm down just a IittIe.
Youīre not our teacher. Why shouId we Iisten to you?
Okay, Iet me put it another way.
Shut up and sit down!
Thanks.
Now, Iisten, rehearsaIīs over. You can aII go home.
What about our pIay?
You know how they say, īīThe show must go onīī?
They werenīt taIking about this show.
-Your uncIeīs so Iame. -Is not. Heīs cooI.
-Yeah, right. -He is.
Heīs aImost famous. He wrote the MapIe Loops song.
-Did not. -Did, too!
-Prove it. -You see that Jaguar in the parking Iot?
MapIe Loops.
That doesnīt prove anything.
Fine.
lt's got oats and corns and wheat
lt's the sweetest breakfast treat lt's maple-licious
-Everybody knows that? -Of course. Itīs the MapIe Loops song.
-UncIe CharIie, do Fudge Nuggets. -Yeah! Fudge Nuggets!
From the magic chocolate mountain
ln a secret chocolate mine
Come granny's big fudge nuggets
with a taste that's oh so fine
What do you know. Maybe I donīt hate kids.
Hi.
Iīm sorry I didnīt give you a heads up about the divorce papers.
Iīm sorry if I overreacted.
Just the girIs.
-Whatīs going on in there? -I donīt know.
Smell like a man
Stick, pump or can
With Dry Guy Deodorant
Only the girls get sweaty
Weīre getting there.
Okay, thank you, CharIie.
Yeah, weīII take it from here, okay?
Too Iate. Youīre out.
What about the songs we wrote?
Hey, kids, what do you think about the songs they wrote?
Theyīre bad.
These are my peopIe.
What do your jingIes have to do with the IndustriaI RevoIution?
Look, you wanted a show, Iīm giving you a show.
Now step back and Iet us work.
PIumber in a Jar. Letīs reaIIy seII it this time.
When your sink backs up there's just one star
lt's the one you trust lt's Plumber in a Jar
Plumber in a Jar
Hey, what you doing?
Iīm trying to find some pIausibIe connection between my jingIes...
and the IndustriaI RevoIution.
-Whatīs up? -I just taIked to my dad.
He said that he and Mom arenīt getting back together again.
Yeah.
-How you doing with that? -Iīm not sure.
I Iike that I get to stay here on weekends.
Thatīs cooI. I Iike that, too.
But you gotta be sad about your foIks, though, right?
No, Iīm okay.
Jake, itīs okay to feeI sad, Iīve been toId.
-And this is a sad thing. -My dadīs not sad.
Of course he is. Heīs just trying to protect you.
-From what? -From being sad.
Yeah, I know itīs a vicious circIe. But the Iiquor industry is buiIt on it.
-What? -Itīs not important.
AII you need to know is that we aII feeI sad sometimes and itīs okay.
-Understand? -Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Itīs okay, Dad.
Before the IndustriaI RevoIution, we Iived in an agrarian society.
Most peopIe grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast invoIved...
sIaughtering animaIs...
and miIking cows.
It wouId be hundreds of years before peopIe couId enjoy...
a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And whatīs in that breakfast?
lt's got oats and corns and wheat
lt's the sweetest breakfast treat
lt's maple-licious
As urbanization Ied to stress and IoneIiness, industriaI society Iooked...
to an ancient agrarian product for a deIicious and refreshing soIution.
The girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer
You like what you see and you like what you hear
Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near
The girls look prettier
with Hammerstein beer
Weīre not Ietting him anywhere near the Christmas pageant.
Agreed.
Even with the advent of indoor pIumbing...
the IndustriaI RevoIution stiII had some bugs in the system.
What was man to do?
Three, four....
lf your home is bug infested
filled with spiders, flies, and gnats
All our sprays are safety tested
We kill vermin, not your cats
EngIish